2nd class parent
Our Greg writes a personal response to the BBC article.
Mums do most childcare and chores in Lockdown - BBC
I've been thinking about this headline for a while now. It annoys me, and I couldn't figure out why. I could talk about my own experience, of how pre lockdown I was the main caregiver and how I have taken on even more during lockdown so that my wife can work more from home. But that doesn't address the issue. Clearly there is an issue, whether that's my own experience or not.
I could talk about how disappointed I am that dads aren't stepping up during lockdown and being more engaged in family life. And that would be true, I am disappointed. But I suppose my real issue is that, while it is disappointing to hear this being reported, I'm not surprised by it at all. I'll explain why as best I can.
Months ago, on a sunny Saturday, my wife and I decided to go on a family trip with our 6 month old child, Isla. My wife drove, I rode shotgun. After less than a minute, it was clear something was wrong with the car. I know very little about cars, but I know it sounded bad, so we stopped. Being a Saturday we knew our usual garage would be closed so quickly Googled if a more local garage was open, and fortunately the garage that happened to be nearest us was! Not wanting to drive too far in a dodgy sounding car anyway, this was ideal. On arrival, knowing we would probably have to leave the car with them, I began to take Isla out of the car and set her up in her buggy ready to make the walk back home.
I'll be clear here. My wife drove in, got out of the driver seat, walked into the garage, spoke to the gentleman inside, came back outside with him, explained the problem, walked round the car with him. I stood back getting Isla ready. Once the gentleman had had his look at the car, turned on the engine, heard the horrible sound, he began to tell me what he thought the problem was. Not my wife who up until that point had taken charge of every aspect of this encounter. Me, who until that point had been playing peekaboo with a bored 6 month old. It was not a comfortable experience and, unfortunately, I'm sure it's also a very common experience. My wife felt disrespected, undervalued and insulted. A tow truck came to take our car to our usual garage on the Monday.
What's the point I'm making?
The Health Visitor visited early on in Isla’s life. I was present for the whole thing. I wasn’t spoken to. My wife and I took our daughter for one of her scheduled check ups at our Medical Practice. I walked in holding Isla, I held her the whole time, kept her entertained, got her undresses and redressed, I wasn’t spoken to. In no professional capacity have I been asked how I am coping as a parent for the entire 17 months of my child’s life so far. Please don’t think I’m taking shots at any individual profession, I understand their positions and I am always delighted with the care my wife and child receive in their interactions. They do an amazing job and that should be celebrated. However, a side product of those interactions are that quite often I feel undervalued and unappreciated. And this isn’t just post birth, as a dad I am only entitled time off for two midwife appointments/antenatal sessions, unpaid. I am entitled to two weeks paternity leave, starting at statutory pay. I have the option to “share” some leave, but that comes at the expense of my wifes time with her child.
Why do we have to share it? My feelings are that dads are conditioned to feel second best when it comes to their role in their child’s lives from the start, and when I see headlines saying, “men aren't taking as much of a role!” I can’t help but feel uncomfortable and unsurprised by that. The issue of dads not stepping up during lockdown is an issue and should be highlighted. But that issue started long before that child was born.